Based on the Don Feder column, with many items added! Thanks to all (especially Steve and Tom!) who have sent me submissions! Keep them coming. Now, to the upset liberals who have e-mailed me about this page, let me remind you that this is a humor page? You know... humor... the thing mean 'ol conservatives like me aren't supposed to have? :-)

And YES...conservatives can appreciate liberal humor! (so there - BAH!) Check out my buddy Sinistral's You Know You're Conservative If..

You Know You're a Liberal ....

Added 12/09/99 -- from Steve

• If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in "All in the Family"
  
  
• If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
  
  
• If you've spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don't see how today could be too much different from the '60s.
  
  
• If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.
  
  
• If you use the term 'open-minded' and don't care that it can't be defined in absolute terms.
  
  
• If you think only white people can be racist.
  
  
• If Clarence Thomas made you sick, Bob Packwood made you protest, but Bill Clinton is a victim of partisan politics.
  
  Added before I started keeping track of when I added new items :-)
  
• If you think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
  
  
• If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.
  
  
• If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.
  
  
• If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".
  
  
• If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.
  
  
• If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate
  
  
• If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
  
  
• If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but putting "Heather Has Two Mommies" or "Ask Alice" (on the internet) won't.
  
  
• If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the '60s.
  
  
• if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.
  
  
• If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn't know the definition of the words "alone", "is", or "correct".
  
  
• If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.
  
  
• If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.
  
  
• If you actually think the multicultural movement of the '90s works better than organized religion.
  
  
• If you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.
  
  
• You're a liberal if you can't see the irony in your own beliefs.
  
  
• If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.
  
  
• If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.
  
  
• If you point to God's forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but "forget" to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.
  
  
• If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
  
  
• If you want to make the rich "pay their fair share" but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.
  
  
• If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
  
  
• If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while "forgetting" about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.
  
  
• If you think that "dumbing down" America's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited", racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
  
  
• If you think that Teddy Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and the KKK don't have anything in common (at least the KKK is honest about their goals).
  
  
• If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.
  
  
• You're a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the "Christian Right" is dangerous and needs to be done away with.
  
  
• If you don't see the parallel between yourself, Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao.
  
  
• If you believe that the "700 Club" are a group of fakes or actors but the people on "The Jerry Springer" show are real people.
  
  
• If you actually refer to the Reagan and Bush Presidencies as one Presidency.
  
  
• If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.
  
  
• If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.
  
  
• If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists!
  
  
• If Sean Hannity makes no sense and Alan Colmes makes perfect sense.
  
  
• If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.
  
  
• If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as "equal time".
  
  
• If you make snide remarks to guys for looking at women but champion Clinton's right to do whatever he wants with his interns.
  
  
• If you think the impeachment vote was 'just about sex'.
  
  
• If you think all the attacks against Republicans are justified, but got outraged about the Willie Horton incident.
  
  
• If you actually think Clinton 'only inhaled'.
  
  
• If the last 'good old president' you remember was Carter.
  
  
• If you condemn Dan Quayle for misspelling potato and then ignore the witticisms of Al Gore (who are these people?)
  
  
• If you think Alec Baldwin was justified in his protest on the Jay Leno show.
  
  
• If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.
  
  
• If you believe any of the conspiracies such as that the AIDS virus was started by the government or that certain products cause sterility in black males, but think "The X-files" is too far fetched.
  
  
• If you think that Watergate and Iran-Contra was a travesty of justice, but anything against Clinton is partisan!
  
  
• If you believe VH-1 when they tell you that warning labels were put on by "Conservatives led by Tipper Gore".
  
  
• If you believe Clinton's 'change of heart' after the sudden switch in the 1994 election.
  
  
• If you use the words "right wing extremist" at least four times in any given day.
  
  
• If you think that bombing on Iraq couldn't have possibly had anything to do with the impeachment vote... then why did they stop as soon as the vote was done?
  
  
• If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.
  
  
• You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
  
  
• You called Vietnam Veterans "baby killers" but think that allowing a woman to suck her baby into a sink is a constitutionally protected right.
  
  
• You think that Joe Camel and big tobacco are out to kill your babies, but allowing a babies brain to be sucked out of its skull when it's 1/3 of the way out of the birth canal is paramount to a free society.
  
  
• You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
  
  
• You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"
  
  
• You think that Ken Starr is the devil's helper for calling Monica's mother to testify but believe that Ollie North's wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.
  
  
• You believe Clinton's numbers about the number of jobs created and don't credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.

• You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.

• You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

• You get mad when rape victims' sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones' sexual history "must be made public."

• You hate Hillary jokes.

• You hate Monica jokes.

• You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

• You fully support women who have "exercised their right to choose" when they abort in the 3rd trimester, but think Amy Grossberg should get the death penalty before the trial even goes to court.

• You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

• You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure

• If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.

• You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic.

• You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it made Pocahontas.

• You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

• You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

• You are appalled at all the money being spent investigating the alleged illegal activities of Bill Clinton, but insist that investigating 75 charges (74 which were dismissed as unfounded) charges against Newt Ginrich was "the only just thing to do."

• You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana

• You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

• You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

• You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.

• You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.

• Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.

• You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.

• You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

• You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.

• You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

• You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

• You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.

• You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.

• You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

• You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

• You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

• You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

• You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

• You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.

• You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.

• You continually say that conservatives have no sense of humor, but after reading this page, think that I am cold and mean-spirited.
  
  
• Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of my web page!